I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
