So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
