I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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