Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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