The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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