Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The struggles of a small town man whore
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
