He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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