Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
