and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
