When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
