My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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