You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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