So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
how do flat chested girls get laid?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
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