please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
