well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
