i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
