i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm bleeding and have questions
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
