Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
