While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Congratulations! We have a period
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
