I bet he comes in French.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
i think my cat just said my name.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
