Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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