My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
