I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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