She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
