i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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