I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
