I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
