things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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