He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
