Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
