I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
