dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
