Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
