I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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