Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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