Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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