seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
