Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
