Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He kissed a someone with a penis
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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