I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
