I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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