just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
