first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
