I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
