i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
