someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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