would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
