I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
you had me at cake vodka
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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