There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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