I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
